Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
