I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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