How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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