Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
