Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
