She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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