omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
