when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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