I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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