I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
