the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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