Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Randomize
