The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
