They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
