We're facebook friends in real life
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
