I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
