my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
