all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
