if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
