what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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