i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
