Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
