Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
