I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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