Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Holy shit dude........stairs
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
