I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
