fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
