He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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