those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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