I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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