I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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