So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
