my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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