If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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