can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
