Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
