he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
