her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
