You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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