well I can't set my house on fire every night
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
