she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
