It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
