I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
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