Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I did not marry a roomba.
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