she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
