we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
