I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
