seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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