Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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