i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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