So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
