Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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