you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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