Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
