Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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