I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
