if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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