It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
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