My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
