no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
