I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
