Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
