so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize